Spud's first Cubs Game

Last ‘my kids’ story for a while – I promise.

Back in 2002 I took Spud to his first major sporting event. It was a Cubs against the Cardinals baseball game at Wrigley Field. Spud had been playing Backyard Baseball, the PC game, for a year or so and knew enough about baseball to follow what was happening on the field.

It was a bright and warm August afternoon as the Spudster and I settled into our seats, which were behind home plate about half way up the second tier. Spud was 6 and had never been to any type of big sporting event before (closest was a single A game the year before). It was a great experience, we did all the things kids love about baseball games. We had cotton candy, soda, peanuts and I even got him the ubiquitous foam claw.

The early innings passed with Spud getting acquainted with the mechanics of a ball game. The peanut throwing, Wrigley’s skanky toilets etc. but we soon settled to watch the actual game. Almost immediately the Cardinals star batter stepped up to the plate. I nudged Spud and said.

“Here’s Albert Pujols, he’s really good. Watch!”

I watched the at bat intensely. Ball, ball, foul, ball, foul, foul, flied out right field.

Only then did I turn to Spud to see how he’d enjoyed the classic Pitcher/batter duel.

Spuds face was bright red, he was gasping for breath and tears were rolling down his face. Fearing he was choking or had been struck by a flying peanut bag I asked,

“Spud what’s up? Are you hurt?”

Through gasps he said, “Pooh holes! His name is Pooh Holes!!!” It took him the rest of the innings to recover. Even now he sniggers when he hears the name.

We won’t be going to any Cub’s games this year not unless they trade Fukudome.

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

Phrases That Make You Do The Opposite

In the blog titled 'Least Honest Four words' I talked about phrases that are inherently dishonest. Well how about phrases that make you do the opposite?. Below I’ve listed three of my favourites - along with that real world response. Do you have better ones?


Phrase: “You need to adjust your attitude”
Response: Yeah I’ll adjust my ***ing attitude you <inset expletive>!

Phrase: “Don’t look now but...”
Response: Where? Where? Where?

Phrase: “It’s a secret so keep it to yourself.”
Response: Oh boy! I gotta tell someone.



<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

The Real Reason I had to Leave England

Every parent has a story of how their children have embarrassed them and here is mine.

Back at the end of the summer in 1996 I lived in a small village in Essex, England. That summer had seen the Olympics in Atlanta, an explosion over the Atlantic of a Paris-bound TWA plane and England were beaten by arch rivals Germany in the Euro 96 semi-finals. Oasis and Blur dominated the UK airwaves. By September 1996 my family consisted of my wife, a two year old boy referred to as Moochy and a six month old who become to be known as Spud. Oh, and a nameless Goldfish too. Moochy was as cute as any two year old ever was. He had a shock of white hair and big blue eyes. Overall he was a pretty happy kid. The only concern we had was that he was having some problems with talking, most of the things he was saying were pretty unintelligible but at least he was trying.

The story takes place one Sunday afternoon. Spud and his mother were both taking an afternoon nap and I decided Moochy and I should do the weekly shopping together. So I strapped the blond two year old into his car seat and we set off for the supermarket which was about 8 miles away from our village. Along the way we listened to some of the latest songs including the Oasis track “Champagne Supernova”. Up front in the driving seat I sang along lustily. “Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a Canon Ball, where were you while we were getting high?” etc. (full lyrics here).

In fact I enjoyed the song so much I played it – and sang along with it – several times.

Unusually for a Sunday afternoon the supermarket was very busy. I placed Moochy in the seat of a shopping cart and we spent a happy half hour wandering the aisles selecting our groceries. Normally Moochy enjoyed the supermarket experience but this particular afternoon he seemed preoccupied. Eventually, we joined the line for the check out with it’s beeping barcode scanning machines and the quiet buzz of conversation from the surrounding queuing shoppers.

Amid this idyllic rural/suburban scene is when Moochy tugged my sleeve to get my attention. He looked up at me from his supermarket trolley seat and asked in the clearest and loudest voice that he had ever used:
“Daddy, where was I while you were getting high?”

Every eye in the store turned on me,
“It’s just the words of a song” I said but the faces of the other shoppers showed no-one believed me. We hurriedly paid and left before the Police arrived ….

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>

Bazza

Picture courtesy of BBC.co.uk who seem to have gotten from Associated Press

Move over Jose, I am the Special One! (Feb 63rd)

I now realise that I have been chosen by a higher power to bring to you, my loyal readers, some important messages. My destiny is now clear and I will save you all (as long as you send me all your money. And you'd better be quick about it we don’t have long). The only other chosen ones are already in a cave in Russia awaiting the day (I’ll need to set up a virtual cave for us, obviously).

When I first ran into the calendar issue with my Santa Fe I thought little of it but I did write to my local Hyundai dealer in Milford, CT. Last night the service manger finally replied,

"I have had no other coplaints[sic] of this."

So I called Hyundai USA and spoke with Tyler. Tyler opened a problem report but also confirmed that there have been no other reports of this issue.

Therefore, I am left with only one conclusion. I have been singled out by some deity to have a message revealed to me. A bit like Moses or Noah – I hope I don’t have to build a boat though; I’m crap at building things… Lego! I can build stuff out of Lego. So if this god wants me to build an Ark as long as it’s out of Lego we’ll be good. Anyway I digress, as I was saying some greater power has seen that I am to receive this great message. Given the calendar in the car has only two numeric digits the we must assume that when the calendar reaches Feb 99 then something significant will happen – probably the end of the world. These things are always a sign of the end of the world – but it may just be a new iPod or something (Apple’s marketing seems to get everywhere).

Finally, for proof, I Googled Nostradamus (you know the French seer whose predictions are only any use when whatever it is has already happened) and I found this cryptic verse that may be trying to tell me something

Nostradamus said:
In the land that Columb found
In an eastern chariot will come a man profound
Who shall receive the special sign
In month two; day ninety nine

And that chosen one he will be saved
Upon that awful bloody day
The evil rodents shall show their hand
And Speed and Spark will ruin the land

Strange bloke that Nostradamus.

Anyway send me all you money as quick as you can and I’ll see you in the virtual cave.

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

April 1st or Feb 61st?

As you can see my car now believes it is Feb 61st - next update on Feb 99 (May 9th).