I Am Officially Old!

Yesterday I had to go to an Optician and he pronounced me ‘officially old’.

Let me explain. I have been finding it harder and harder to see, especially when driving at night. In fact after twilight I see a lot better with no glasses at all (be afraid Connecticut drivers). With this in mind I deduced that I probably needed to get some new, clear, unscratched and unfoggy glasses. And while I was going to the effort of visiting an optician I figured there would be no harm getting my eyes tested at the same time, especially as my arms no longer seem to be long enough to allow me to read properly.

So yesterday I found myself at a major optical store looking into a light held by Dr. Goldstein (or something similar). He seemed a nice enough gent and bade me to follow his pencil light or read various letters on his board etc.. He asked the usual questions, made the usual ums and ahhhs and everything seemed to be progressing quite nicely. We did the nasty puff-in-your-eyeball machine and he still seemed happy with everything. Then, out of the blue and with a staggering casual cruelty, he pronounced me as old! Over the hill, aged, almost an AARP member! I could feel the Christmas gifts of Tartan (plaid) Carpet Slippers and matching hot water bottle lurking in my near future. My descent into Victor Meldrew is almost complete. ‘I don’t belliieeevvee it!’.

Actually what he said was:
“Everything seems to be fine but you’ll need bi-focals.”

And that was it. No sympathy. No cup of tea. No offer of discount on incontinence pants. Nothing.

I broke the news to my much-younger-than-me wife, who luckily (for me anyway) didn’t immediately file for divorce (as far as I know). She did try to defend things by saying it did not mean that I was old but when I challenged her to name one young person who had bi-focals there was a long, long, long silence.

So there you have it I’m old!

Right! I’m off to complain about music from the kids next door and put my foot in hedgehog.

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

For those of you who celebrate it ...

Have a Happy Thanksgiving

Philosophers and Businessmen.

We often hear the news media refer to someone as a 'businessman' but what exactly is a businessman? We also hear the media refer to philosophers but what is a philosopher and what do THEY do?

Not so long ago, I was listening to an irrelevant news piece on NPR (Publicly funded radio to the Brits). The basic tenet of the story was simple but NPR felt it needed some 'experts' to comment on it. There were two of these learned pundits. One was a professor of technology but the other was introduced to the radio audience as a philosopher. Not professor of philosophy but an actual philosopher. I got to thinking "How did he get that job?" and what type of organisation needs a Philosopher?

How do you get a job as a philosopher? I did look on Monster and Careers.com but couldn't find a single advert for a philosopher. As this was announced as his job then what did he do all day? Who did his appraisal? How do you set criteria for goals for a philosopher?

Right Jenkins as company philosopher we need you to determine 5 new philosophies this year"
"Oh be real! You know we only managed two last year, how am I supposed to come with 3 extra"
OR
"I see. Of course all that is new is in fact old and as philosophy doesn't exist you cannot count them and therefore I may very well done the five by now"
OR
"Let me ask you if a manager sets a goal but no-one bothers to try is it still a goal?"

Enough of Philosophy though there is another job title that I keep hearing on the news media. It is 'businessman'. When a plane crashes some of the dead inevitably hold the job title ‘businessman’. During reports on crime bit-part characters seem to have that job title too. However, I fly a lot (I try to avoid the crime thing) and no one has ever introduced himself or herself to me as a 'businessman'. Indeed what does a businessman do? Presumably business. But a plumber does business and he is referred to as a plumber. A chef dos business but he is a chef. So I got to thinking anyone who worked in an office is a businessman but then I realised in our office we have IT support people, engineers, administrative assistants, managers, salespeople and some marketing people. No one has the job title 'businessman’.

Finally I worked out why no one is called a businessman! Because they are all either dying, victims of crime or in prison. So if you are ever boarding a flight and overhear someone introduce themselves as a businessman RUN.





<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza



BTW I believe the job title is just a lazy dumbed down media term but that is a different rant.

Examples:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7039637.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/northamptonshire/7006206.stm
http://www.epistemelinks.com/Main/MainJob.aspx

Five Shelton Jokes

We have subscribed to the Shelton Gazette, It recently reached a milestone; its first story using just words.

The 'What’s On' section is interesting – it is a white sheet of paper with ‘NOTHING’ written on it.

We do enjoy the readers letters though; this week it was “D for Dog”

Finally we also enjoy the Gazette's weekly Crossword. Last week was a great one; it was "damn!"

In a lot of English villages at some point in the summer there is a weekend where every proud gardener in the village throws open their garden gates for all to admire their tireless horticultural prowess. In Shelton we have the same thing, one Saturday afternoon a year any rusting car enthusiast can tour hundreds of gardens looking at the tireless GMCs and Pontiacs.

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

Sweepers Swept

The 2007 MLB Postseason was a good one for people who like runs but before I talk about that something else struck me as interesting. In the postseason five out of seven of the series were sweeps, strange enough but there was a particularly remarkable chain of sweeps. As we know the Diamondbacks swept the Cubs. Then the Rockies swept the Diamondbacks and the Red Sox swept the Rockies. Sweepers swept!

Also of all the sides that went on to win a particular series only four games were conceded out of all 28 played. Compare that to 2006 when there were only three sweeps out of the seven series and of the all the match ups that were played, the team that went on to win series conceded 6 of the 30 games, similar huh?

Finally, we come to the runs scored. Run lovers would have been happier with the 242 runs or 8.64 runs per game in 2007 than they would have been with the 219 or 7.3 runs per game in 2006.

Dunno why I felt compelled to do this but I have!

What did he say?

Occasionally people say thigs and I am not sure quite what they mean. Two of these are: 'went like a dream’ and 'slept like a baby'.

In my office it is relatively easy to overhear conversations and the other day I overheard my co-worker on the phone. He was discussing a journey of several hundred miles. He said:
“Traffic was difficult for the first few miles but the rest of the trip was like a dream”.
Strange, did he really mean that once past all the other vehicles the journey became a chaotic series of disjointed and surreal events punctuated by him yelling “no no mummy, don’t put me in the cupboard again!!!” (That part might just be me). Then when he got to the destination he found he had forgotten most of the journey while realising even the parts he did remember had probably never happened anyway and he was still stuck in exactly the same bad traffic he’d started in? I did ask him but he looked confused.

Also, while in Holland I attended a presentation given to an international audience. During the introductions the main presenter asked one of the other guests, an American, how the flight over was?
“Fine,” said the American guest, “I slept like a baby.”
In this case, I wondered if my fellow visitor had meant he slept for two or three hours at a time, pooped himself and woke up hungry and screaming for his mummy. I didn’t ask this time, I think I would have confused the Dutch.

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

Quick Note:

Made it back from Belgium/Netherlands/Germany/England. Have had a crappy cold and my shoulder and neck are hurting. Also, while in England my wallet seems to have developed anorexia. Have a bunch of things to write about if only the upper right side of my body would stop hurting. --Watch this space --