So a weekend in the Northwest of Illinois, in a cabin amid a birch forest seemed a nice idea. OK, granted it meant spending the weekend with people I didn't know too well but it was only Friday midday through to Sunday afternoon so it was copeable with. As it turned out there were to be five of us: me, my new friends Ellie & Jeff, their friends Biker Bill & Sandy. Oh yeah a Rottweiler. The Rottweiler was a 6 yr old male named after a vicious Greek leader, Alex. This was my first meeting with the dog and we didn't get off to a great start.
Jeff & Ellie turned up around 10am on an unseasonably mild Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. In the sky there were patches of blue in-between large puffy, luminescent clouds. It was a beautiful day to be going somewhere. We pushed my bags, beer & guitar into the back of their SUV and I slipped into the back seat alongside Alex. He was sat up on the seat and therefore, he was taller than me. He looked me in the eye and growled. It was a long, deep menacing growl. Then he moved his head a little closer to mine and growled again, lower & longer this time. His eyes burned red and his breath smelt of dead Englishmen. I sat still but maintained eye contact and so me and dog tried to stare each other out.
Finally, Ellie decided it was safest if I sat in the front after all. So she came to the back door of the SUV and opened it. Alex wasn't going to let me get out that easily. He carefully placed one of his front paws on my right thigh, leaned forward so his weight was fully on it and growled again. I was beginning to feel concerned but Ellie shouted and pushed and pulled him until finally, reluctantly he let me go.
I have to say after that he was a perfect gentleman the entire weekend. Well almost, we were 20 miles shy of home on Sunday when he dropped the smelliest fart of the whole event and possibly ever.
Anyway tiff between man & dog over we finally got underway. We met up with Biker Bill & his lady Sandy a gas station. They nodded at us from their SUV, we waved and we were at last genuinely underway.
We headed west on the I90 towards Rockford, A route I have only traveled once before and it was still just a boring road. (Actually I was going to go into detail on the last time - but that is a whole different story with very few laughs).
After an hour or so we stopped at another gas station for a coffee and toilet break. Inside I spoke with Biker Bill, who was a healthy 40ish weather beaten biker & carpenter with long blond hair. He had met Jeff & Ellie in a bar called Bungalow Joe’s and they had hung out from time to time ever since.
Back outside we all took the opportunity to meet Sandy, who is Biker Bill's (in biker terms, only) Laydee. Sandy was about 5.5 and thin and looked a bit like you expect a biker's mole to look like. 20 years ago she must have been a classic Californian blond.
I was introduced to her, not unreasonably, as Being from England and I said something like.
"Pleased to meet you. Looks like we are in for fun weekend."
She responded.
"Oh you’re from England. Do you speak English?"
Now normally on meeting any new Americans I will politely endure the usual comments. They tend to come in two categories: hopelessly out of date and uniformed (these ones base their knowledge of the UK on Monty Python or worse still Benny Hill) or the over informed Anglophiles who try to impress you with their knowledge of Britain and ask you opinion on things you've never even heard of. Sandy was plainly somewhere below the first type.
As I say I'm normally polite but being asked if I spoke English was too much. I laughed and so did Jeff, Ellie and even Biker Bill. Unfortunately, Sandy just looked offended. Oh well.
We drove on for another 90 minutes; the sky became heavy and gray before eventually releasing a fine drizzle but then something magical happened. The landscape had been small farms and fields for some distance suddenly did something great. We were about 20 miles from the small town of Elizabeth when the ground beneath us started to rise & fall. Only a little at first but the further on we went it became an undeniable fact. These were hills! Real hills! I looked out of the car windows and there where more to our left and to our right while in front was the biggest yet. This was the first time in 11 months I had been amongst hills and it was great.
Then as we crested that hill there spread before us, was Elizabeth. We drove straight through the middle (well you would wouldn't you).
We stopped again. Because Jeff & Ellie had only rented the cabin for 2 people, Biker Bill' Sandy & me had to wait while they got the keys and hoped no one would see us going in.
* * *
I had no idea what to expect of the log cabin. But what we got was cool.
A large house set on/into a hillside over looking a heavily wooded valley the tall silver trunks of already denuded Birch trees standing like an army ready to march. Inside the house was on 2 levels. Upstairs were 2 bedrooms, the kitchen, a small and functional bathroom and a large living area with big fireplace.
The lower level was a very similar layout except there was no kitchen and the second bedroom was a utility room. Off of the lower living space was a balcony with hot tub, looking out at the forest. At the upper level was a similar balcony but with a swing seat and a grill instead of the tub.
We drove on for another 90 minutes; the sky became heavy and gray before eventually releasing a fine drizzle but then something magical happened. The landscape had been small farms and fields for some distance suddenly did something great. We were about 20 miles from the small town of Elizabeth when the ground beneath us started to rise & fall. Only a little at first but the further on we went it became an undeniable fact. These were hills! Real hills! I looked out of the car windows and there where more to our left and to our right while in front was the biggest yet. This was the first time in 11 months I had been amongst hills and it was great.
Then as we crested that hill there spread before us, was Elizabeth. We drove straight through the middle (well you would wouldn't you).
We stopped again. Because Jeff & Ellie had only rented the cabin for 2 people, Biker Bill' Sandy & me had to wait while they got the keys and hoped no one would see us going in.
* * *
I had no idea what to expect of the log cabin. But what we got was cool.
A large house set on/into a hillside over looking a heavily wooded valley the tall silver trunks of already denuded Birch trees standing like an army ready to march. Inside the house was on 2 levels. Upstairs were 2 bedrooms, the kitchen, a small and functional bathroom and a large living area with big fireplace.The lower level was a very similar layout except there was no kitchen and the second bedroom was a utility room. Off of the lower living space was a balcony with hot tub, looking out at the forest. At the upper level was a similar balcony but with a swing seat and a grill instead of the tub.
The sky was still gray and the drizzle was a constant, gentle spray. The temperature was mild (especially for Illinois). The leaves carpeting the floor around the dwelling still had their beautiful colours and it felt for an instant like an October day on Leith hill. I stood for a while and let the drizzle fall on me - eyes closed, face to the heavens and arms out wide. 8000 miles there and back in split seconds......
Later on we went to the nearby town of Galena to get lunch. We found a small restaurant and settled down. At this point Sandy announced she only ate once a day. Luckily for us this was the time. We all ordered and Sandy decided as she was on holiday that she was going to push the boat out and have a whole salad!
Galena was apparently a well off mining village at one time however, the mines closed and the village became almost a ghost town before re-inventing it self as an oldie worldie tourist resort. By American standards it is old and because it was a depressed town for most of the 20th century a lot of its buildings are original. It is renowned for its antique shops and its narrow busy pavements with bustling shops, winding roads and a high street on a hill made it a very comfortable little town. After lunch we wandered round the shops for a while and then headed back to the 'cabin'.
Once back Biker Bill built a fire and we cracked open few beers. Ellie suggested a cozy game of Scrabble. Now the weekend had already started to feel like an episode of Big Brother and a little bit of friendly competition was an explosive idea.
And then we had another 2 Sandy moments.
All five people were sat around the table and it was clear it was to be a the scrabble was turning into a death match. So I made a suggestion.
"In case of arguments over words why don't we just go with consensus?"
Most people nodded but Sandy' brows were furrowed.
"Can't we just agree instead?"
No one even sniggered. We were very proud of ourselves. Once the game was underway she hit me with another. One of the other players was studying their tiles Sandy turned to me and said:
"I'd like to know more words, like you do."
I said:
"That's a good ambition."
"I have a dictionary at home." She said "and it's a special one."
"Oh that's nice." I said unsure quite what to expect next.
"It's got a lot words in it." She said
"Mmmmm, they're the best kind of dictionaries." I said, totally confused where we going with this.
"No!" She said clearly annoyed at my lack of understanding. "Lots of words that mean the same thing!" I was lost. Then suddenly, like a lighthouse beaming through the mist for a lost sailor, I realized what she meant.
"Oh a Thesaurus." I said and waited for the conversation to continue.
There was a pause and her brows again took on that furrowed hurting look. She finally said.
"Yes, I expect that's in there too."
(BTW her second word in the scrabble game was 'nite' and I didn't have the heart to say it wasn't a proper word and nothing will ever get me to recount her description of what the word 'anus' meant).
Well the beer flowed and the game eventually ground to an everybody-having-3-tiles-left stalemate without too much more trouble. Most if not all the bipeds were quite drunk and a call was made for the guitar. So I played some songs and we had a bit of a sing-along. Sandy seemed a little miffed that I couldn't do any Motorhead or Metallica but we all chilled out a bit.
Later on we all got in the Hot Tub. It seemed weird sat in bubbling bath on a balcony at 2 in the morning with a bunch of other people. The temperature had dropped outside to near freezing as well. Very strange. Here obviously is a country with more electricity than is needed (California excepted of course).
* * * Saturday * * *
It was surprisingly early (around 9) when all parties re-convened in the upstairs living room. I looked around the assembled party and realized this was going to be tricky. Last night had been 5 people en-route to oblivion, this morning we were 5 cranky, tired & slightly hung over people.
We had wanted to go horse riding (horseback riding in local parlance) but the only open stable would not allow trotting, cantering or galloping and I for one don't feel I've been on a horse unless I lave been terrified, nearly fallen off and had my testicles jammed back to where they spent the first 13 years of my life, so we decided to go hiking instead.
Timidly and probably over diplomatically, we all started suggesting what we could do on this hike. About this time Ellie decided to take Alex for a jog. Apparently this upset Sandy, as she had wanted to go as well. And we were off to a good start to the day. (Hey! Aren’t you impressed that I avoided saying Ellie just didn't take Sandy along because she couldn't cope with two dogs (damn I just did it!)). After another hour of fart-arsing around Biker Bill got all manly and finally made a decision for everyone.
Now Jeff & Sandy were the crankiest of all of us but Biker Bill was feeling none too chilled either. It probably didn't help that I just mooned around being non-committal offering no useful opinion on anything.
We took both trucks because Alex was coming with us and there isn't space for 5 plus a Shetland Pony sized dog in any one truck. Biker Bill said he knew the way and so led.
He shot off at a great speed and Jeff decided that not being able to keep up might be a good thing but unfortunately for all concerned Biker Bill slowed each time we fell back and even came looking for us when we where trying to get lost. After a relatively short, but at times, exciting, journey we arrived about 500 feet up on top of a ski slope, which had no snow. At the bottom of the steep incline was the Mississippi. Biker Bill led us down the slope and we spent an ever increasingly tense 90 minutes exploring a dirt road, the railroad track & the banks of the river (not really hiking) but by the time all 6 of us had climbed breathlessly back to the top of the ski run the atmosphere was crystallising and not in a pretty way. At least it wasn't raining.
We all returned to the cabin and Ellie, Jeff and I decided we had to eat as it was mid afternoon and we were normal human beings. Biker Bill and Sandy decided they wanted to go and look at a Harley shop. So around 2.30 we split up.
The three us had a pleasant enough time eating a small lunch (we had a big meal at a cool restaurant planned for later) and wandering around shops looking at weird stuff. Ellie even bought herself a didgeridoo and then bought Jeff a dulcimer for Christmas. We had a coffee and looked at some crystals and then set off back.
* * *
We got back to the 'cabin' around 6 pm. Biker Bill announced that as we had gone out to eat he had assumed we wouldn't be going out to eat later so he and Sandy had eaten already. Remember she only eats once a day! The rest of us were not sure if we should be pissed off or pleased so we each retired to our rooms. I put on my MP3 player and got out my guitar to see if I could play along with any of the songs. Now my door was open and they must have been able to hear me and there was another living room downstairs but the upstairs living room erupted into a loud and visceral argument between Biker Bill and Sandy.
We got back to the 'cabin' around 6 pm. Biker Bill announced that as we had gone out to eat he had assumed we wouldn't be going out to eat later so he and Sandy had eaten already. Remember she only eats once a day! The rest of us were not sure if we should be pissed off or pleased so we each retired to our rooms. I put on my MP3 player and got out my guitar to see if I could play along with any of the songs. Now my door was open and they must have been able to hear me and there was another living room downstairs but the upstairs living room erupted into a loud and visceral argument between Biker Bill and Sandy.
It was f***ing brilliant! I did get the distinct impression that we were meant to hear and that Sandy was 'staging' this. I will spare you the details but some were intimate (sexual performance, personal hygiene, financial status) whilst others aimed just to be inflammatory (your friends are stupid etc.). The argument followed the course of Sandy raising a point Biker Bill answering, then the two of them would bat it back and forth for while until it was well and truly dead and then Sandy would produce another topic. My fingers were quite sore from all the playing last night and on Thanksgiving Day but I could stop playing otherwise it would be obvious I was listening. Each time the argument seemed to end Sandy would stoke the flames again. Even Alex must have been impressed by how doggedly determined to raise hell she was. But eventually even the most bilious and intelligent of people run out of steam and as she only possessed one of theses qualities after about 40 minutes it seemed safe enough to come out of my room.
They were sat at either end of the enormous curved sofa in statuesque and frozen silence. The fire was cracking and glowing, burning a few good size logs but any heat it was generating was more than compensated icy cold surrounding the biker and his (obviously not a) laydee. I tried to make some small talk and Jeff and Ellie appeared as well. Biker Bill decided to get something from his car and Jeff went with him leaving Sandy with Ellie and me. As soon as the door swung closed behind the two guys Sandy started on us. She told us how tough her life was and how bad Biker Bill was. How unfair his treatment of her was. Ellie and I just tried to stay non-committal and looked embarrassed.
Fortunately Biker Bill and Jeff returned before we were submitted to too much and the time before heading out to our evening meal passed quickly. The three of us normal diners left around 9pm, ate well and returned at 11pm. As we pulled into the drive there was something clearly wrong.
Biker Bill's truck was gone. We entered the house apprehensively but it was empty apart from Alex. They had decided not to remain for the final 12 hours. We had noticed that while we were waiting to go out Sandy had downed a six-pack of beer and judging by the empties around had continued when we left. Later we learned that pretty much as we drove out of the drive they had started another huge argument and Biker Bill had decided he couldn't cope anymore and packed their stuff and they left. I am not sure how he got through the journey home but he did say he'd made her sit in the back
We cleared up a little and I played a few songs but for some reason I went down the Verve/Travis/Radiohead route. I did do 'Why does it always rain on me?' in honour of Matthew and James because after all a log cabin is almost camping and as ever when camping, it was raining again. I guess we were all a little down (well utterly suicidal after doing the Drugs don't work and High and Dry) when we went to our beds. Maybe I need to learn some Madness and Bare Naked Ladies numbers?
Sunday
Sunday was quick and we tidied up and packed and made our way back to Schaumburg with only Alex casting that cloud when we were nearly home and coming close to choking us.
Weekend in the country? Weekend in a reality show!
Any similarity between characters in this story and anybody real is entirely intentional. Most character profiles are either absent or brief due to a need to keep some friends. Names changed not because there were any innocents but I don’t need to be sued.
Remember. If undetected, ignorance can pose a serious health problem to you and those around you.
Lastly.
At 20 you can be pretty & stupid and survive but at 40 you'll just be pretty stupid.
This story is 95% true and there is even a video to accompany it. It all took place in 2001 and I'm glad to say I am still good friends with at least one of the characters in the story (Jeff). I am reminded of it at this time because my wife and I are about to head north for thanksgiving with another couple, their sister and a dog …..
<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>
Bazza
