Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Fox And The Ten Little Piggies

Seems foxes are really settling into the suburban lifestyle; even bringing into the well tempered gardens of Surrey the kind of behaviour that normally is reserved for behind the white patterned net curtains.

Let me explain, just before Christmas I was in England, staying at my sister’s house in Surrey, I was very intrigued when one morning I opened the curtains and noticed a black object sat in the middle of her, otherwise blemish free, lawn. The object looked about eight inches long and a couple of inches across; it was a glossy wet from the morning dew.

Over breakfast I mentioned the object to my bother-in-law.
“It’s a fox.” he said.
I peered out of the French windows at the black thing; prominent and obvious on the lawn.
“No it’s not,” I said, “it looks like a kid’s training shoe.”
“I know it’s a shoe,” said my brother-in-law, rolling his eyes at my sister as she entered the room and sat down, “The shoe was put there by the fox.”
“What, a real fox?” I asked “Like Basil Brush or Foxy Loxy from Chicken Little?”
My brother-in-law looked momentarily confused. He leaned a little closer into me.
“You do know Basil Brush isn’t real don’t you?” He paused. He seemed to be waiting to see if this was a significant revelation. You know, like the Santa thing. Eventually he continued
“But yes a real fox.”
He went on to explain that on a pretty regular basis a fox, who lives somewhere at the end of the garden, leaves shoes on the lawn, sometimes even digging holes to try and bury the stolen footwear.
“… we are not only the house ‘round here with the problem either.” He finished.

I sipped my tea, my head full of images of foxes moving through the suburban London night like Ninjas stealing shoes from beneath the noses of their owners.

“What happens to the shoes?” I asked.
“We throw them away” He said.
“Why doesn’t the neighborhood get together every few months and have a kinda reverse jumble sale. A chance to repatriate the shoes?” I asked.
“The foxes seem to like the shoes a lot, they lick and chew them like maniacs; I don’t think the owners want them back after that.”

Suddenly the ninja fox view disappeared and was replaced with an image of gangs of foxes roaming the deserted Surrey streets looking for a shoe fix.

“Come on pal I need something! Just a tongue, a lace! Can’t you see I’m in cold Nike!”

Do you think there are fox rehab clinics? Maybe they would be put on insoles which are like shoes but not as strong. Maybe there is a reality show in there? “The real cubs of KT17”

But then a different thought occurred to me, what if it’s not an addiction? What if it is a fetish? Perhaps other foxes looked on those with the shoe fetish as being weird, outcasts. Maybe there were Fox dens where a dog could meet a Vixen in a safe environment surrounded by the beautiful heels of Surrey. An underground foxclub scene …..

I was startled from my musing on Vulpes.vulpes retifism by a loud chattering and I watched bemused as a thirty strong flock of Green Parrots rose from the trees at the end of the garden. Parrots! In Surrey? But that is next week’s blog.

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

For a more sensible explanation of urban and suburban foxes see:
And prrof that foxes even steal the shoes of the nobility

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Ice Storm


It didn’t feel that cold. I mean it was clearly below freezing; my breath was misting and the walkway was glazed in uneven ice, but what I’m trying to say is it looked even colder than it felt. It was unusually quiet; I guess not many people had ventured out yet. The birch tree across the way had turned to glass and was drooping towards the pavement under its new weight; it’s every limb a tube of ice. Nearby a glass skirt of icicle fronds hung from the bumper of my car.

My shoes slithered as I moved towards the car, the icy surface feeling like a tray of marbles beneath me. Mercifully, the car unlocked at the press of the key fob. Setting my feet as best I could I pulled on the driver's door, it opened with a loud crack.

Inside the car it was darker than usual. The heavy icing gave the appearance of frosted glass making it feel like a surreal shower cubicle. I started the engine and waited for the car to start warming up.

Sitting in the frosted cocoon just waiting was pretty dull. I looked at the window next to me, then at the button to make it open, then back at the window and back at the button. Was there any point even trying I wondered? Well, I could always just let go of the button if it didn’t move. What the hell, go on! I pressed the window button and was surprised to see the window beside me descended smoothly leaving a whole pane of ice still intact and in its place.

I looked at the ice pane and admired nature. Then I swung my jacketed forearm towards the ice. As my arm hit the sheet it broke with a sound very like breaking glass. Several large pieces fell onto the frozen tarmac below, tinkling and sparkling as they became a thousand smaller pieces. This was awesome!

For the next two minutes I leapt from window to window inside the car smashing the sheets of ice. The passenger side I punched out with my gloved hands. The back right window was my elbow and forearm and in true Hollywood style I kicked out the last window. Despite a small shock when some of the shards fell into my trousers on that last window, I still found myself grinning like the fool I am.

<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza

Thursday, January 8, 2009

How to Keep a New Years Resolution

I know this time of year is resolution time and many of you have made yours. Me? I generally don’t at this point of the year. However, if you have made a resolution here are some ideas to help you stick to it and achieve your goal. Most of these ideas exist elsewhere either in A- time, Covey’s seven habits or project management techniques but I have found these tips to be helpful.

1. Make sure you really mean it
2. Make the resolution a measurable goal
3. Have a deadline
4. Set a plan to reach the goal by the deadline
5. Tell people and ask them to help

1, Ask yourself how serious you are. Are you prepared to change your behaviour either eating differently, going somewhere regularly or is it just something you feel you ought to do. If you are not serious about changing your habits then you probably don’t mean it. Don’t set yourself up for failure; just tell people you didn’t make a resolution this year.

2. If you did mean it then let’s go. Make your resolution a measurable and achievable goal. For instance if you resolved to eat better you might say the first step is only eat red meat in one meal a week and an oil fish meal once a week. Or if your resolution is to lose weight instead of saying to yourself “I must lose weight”, say “I must lose X pounds”. Remember the goal must be achievable. Ask yourself how confident you are that you can hit the target – if in doubt lower it a little. If you cannot measure your success and don’t see an end goal it is difficult to know how well you are doing.

3. Covey (I think) says that a goal without a deadline is a dream. He is right. So if you want to lose X pounds make it X pounds by the end of August. Or if you want to learn a language set yourself a deadline of a significant event in that language (Cinco de Mayo for instance) to learn 30 words or ten phrases.

4. You have a goal. You have a deadline. Now you need to draw up the plan. A plan should have steps that take you steadily towards the goal. Want to learn Spanish? Then decide how. Maybe January’s plan is buy some software and get past the introduction (Learning languages by rote can be very dry. So you could find a friend who speaks that language and plan a lunch each week were you practice with them). Losing weight? Then plan a set amount to lose by end of January and another amount to lose in February. Also plan your diet method and exercise regime as necessary. Stick to your plan UNLESS it doesn’t work for you. Then revise it ‘til you it does. Plans are great and must be followed but you need to be able to improve them as you go.

Finally number 5. This is a matter of taste. As long as you have done steps 1 – 4 then why not tell people. Nothing like having someone remind when the dessert trolley comes by that cheesecake is a no-no. If however you haven’t gotten to point 4 and are still kicking around item 1 then you might want to keep the resolution to yourself.

I hope this helps you achieve your dreams in 2009 – you will if really want to!


<Enter stunningly witty and clever tagline here>


Bazza